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My husband is my best friend. He is someone whom I confide in, who I rely on and someone I truly need to do this crazy thing called parenting. Our relationship is much like any other relationship with lots of arguments about which movie to stream on a Saturday night in and who is going to make dinner.
Between us, we have an 8-month-old son who is the absolute star of our lives. My husband also happens to be far lighter in his complexion than my self and my son takes after him in his complexion.
When I see my son and my husband, I see two strong and wonderful boys. Likewise, when they see me, they see a wife, a mother, a partner and a best friend. Never will it be that my son sees me as a dark skinned woman. I am his mother, plain and simple. Yet everywhere I go, it becomes more and more apparent that people enjoy pointing out the difference between me and my son.
I am often met with remarks such as “he must’ve taken from his father”, “good thing he took after his father”, “aren’t you glad he looks like his dad?”, “light skinned babies are just the cutest” or “people probably never believe he is your son”. Obviously, these comments hurt but what hurts me the most about them is that against my hardest will, they will ingrain in my son’s mind that skin tones matter and are a force to be reckoned with.
Both my husband and I are from Pakistan, a country blessed with beautiful people of all skin tones. Even though Pakistan as a country has come far from its colonial days, our idea of beauty still favours lighter skin tones. This, of course, is an issue that is seen in communities all over the world- the light skin complex. No matter where you are in the world, lighter skin tones are always perceived to be more beautiful.
People of Pakistan predominantly have a tan to dark skin tones, I myself fall into this category, and a certain small population holds a lighter skin colour. Despite the diversity in skin colours, the majority of Pakistan is consumed with the idea that having a light colour skin is the epitome of beauty, success and wealth.
When I was young it was absolutely okay to flat out tell someone that they were dark, that they needed to improve their skin tone. Nowadays, we take a more subtle approach to skin colour. We have rephrased “whiten your skin colour” to “brighten your complexion”. We in South Asian culture like to buy skin products with SPF inside them convincing ourselves that this is to protect us from sun damage.
When really we are just hoping this will be another measure to keep us from getting dark. We tend to reject darker skinned people as life partners with other menial explanations when the truth ultimately boils down to their skin colour. Perfectly eligible people with high qualifications are held back from job opportunities, proposals, and life opportunities because of their darker complexion.
I like to live by the saying “be the change you wish to see in the world”, so when I was about to have my first child, I promised myself that I would never bring up the idea of light vs dark in his or her life. It was something that followed me all through my life and even after my marriage, and I didn’t want my children to live in such a world. My son came into this world red as a tomato and within days it became obvious that he had light skin.
My son will always be cute and handsome to me regardless of what his skin colour is. But it scares me to think that if my next child is born darker than my first, will it forever create a divide between the siblings. Will my older son be unknowingly brought up with a sense of entitlement that he is superior to others in his family and community? For a mother, each and every one of her child is equal despite all their wonderful differences, but the outside world loves to create hierarchies in whatever way possible.
I was fortunate enough to be raised by loving parents that always reinforced the idea of inner beauty before outer beauty. And so, even though the world around me tried to shatter my spirit because of my colour, I managed to pull out of it and focus on my life goals and success. Similarly, I want to raise my children in a world where they don’t see the outer shades of people, rather the shades of people from within.
But I worry, that we as a society, continue to hold on to barbaric ideas of beauty. I worry that these concepts sneak into our daily lives constantly and prevent us from seeing people for who they really are. A mother is a mother, no matter her skin colour or physical appearance. She gives up her entire body to bring life into this world.
To compare a child’s physical appearance against the very first form of love, they will know is to tell them that there really is no limit to the superficiality of this world. There are multi cultured, mixed families all around the world. Some children take after their mother, some after their father and some are a mixture of both. Either way, both the parents hold an equal rank in the eyes of a child and petty differences between the two shouldn’t be highlighted.
As mothers, we give up everything for our children and to belittle our sacrifice to something like skin colour; undermines our love. Moreover to continue reinforcing in today’s generation that beauty depends on skin shades is holding us back from celebrating the ever growing diversity of our world.
As a mother and wife, I should never have to answer why my son is much lighter than me, or how my husband is light skinned. I love them and they love me and that’s all anyone ever has to know.
