Going through my teenage years as a quirky, lively and bubbly teenager, I also held on to strong beliefs, more particularly about pre-marital relationships. I never believed in them. I sufficed my teenage years without having to go through that kind of involvement with a guy. Obviously, having a secret crush on a cute guy (not even telling my closest friends about it) and having a laugh with guy classmates was perfectly natural, but going any further than that was a huge no-no, even if meant being born and brought up in the West.
Throughout my school years and the first few months of university, I was distant from all of this. I could never even think about getting involved with a guy. I couldn’t do it to my parents, but more specifically, I couldn’t do it to myself, regardless of getting attention from the good-looking, popular guys in England. However, things changed drastically, unintentionally and completely randomly when the third month of 2015 occurred.
I used to have a friend, who I had met back in 2010. She had given me her Facebook password. Having a friendship which only lasted one month (since she left school to move to another) I had completely lost all form of contact with her. Five years later, I decided to log in to her Facebook, and I was so shocked to see that her password was never changed; more shockingly, she had not been active since 2010. Long story short, I came across someone on Facebook, and I don’t even know how this happened so randomly.. A guy, living seven seas away.
It started off by asking a normal question, to which he answered to. Weirdly, after that day, he’d keep messaging, as he was so curious to know who I was, but I didn’t tell him my true identity, instead, I carried on going by my friend’s identity. Some days, I’d forget I even messaged him, but his constant notifications would remind me of his existence. So, I finally gave in and received his call. Putting on a fake voice and a fake identity, I spoke to him. I couldn’t believe it, we clicked instantly! He wasn’t one of those perverted Pakistani guys, in fact, he was so humble, respectful and caring, that I felt like I could share all my problems with him. Moreover, the days would go by, and we would speak every single day. I’d become more attached to him, that I just had to tell him who I really was.
Finally, the day came when I told him the truth about my real identity. He was really upset that I had lied to him. After many apologies and an explanation, we were back to normal. Weeks later, he confessed his feelings towards me and said he wanted to marry me, I instantly agreed, not giving it a second thought what it would do to my parents if they’d ever found out what I had been up to.
For two years straight, we’d speak every single day- when I’d go to university, to work or even sometimes, when I was out dining with friends (obviously going away from my friends, so they don’t find out). We’d discuss our wedding, children, holidaying, the lot! Even sending each other gifts overseas for our birthdays, which was on the same month, including our year of graduating, it was crazy! But, most of the time, our conversation consisted of how I should speak to my parents, as being engaged to my cousin from back home (Pakistan) was a huge blockage for me to even mention this guy to my parents.
I have been engaged from the age of 18. Being from England, I was never used to the idea of getting married from someone who was different from the Pakistani lads of England (they’re not all bad by the way, a lot have class). But, somehow, I gave in, as I knew deep down how nice, educated and stable my fiancé and his family are. However, I’d go through constant phases, when I wouldn’t want to marry him. He wasn’t my type, and the fact that I had someone else on my mind and in my life, became a bigger reason.
Furthermore, as well as these two years of a relationship consisting of love and respect, we also argued with one another like mad, which would give me a reason to leave and vice versa, and this would have a rapid increase with my health going down the drain- all that stress! But, after a day or two, we’d come racing back to one another.
However, 8 months ago, something tragic happened. While it was 4 am here in England and 9 am in Pakistan, I was on the phone with him whilst everyone was asleep. It was then, when my mother caught me on the phone to him, as she came downstairs to drink some water. Like any good mother, she was immensely angry. She was also so upset, as she trusted me so much and I broke her trust. My whole family was shocked and angry. They didn’t expect this from me. Given freedom outside of the home never provoked me to abuse it. Myself and my family were surprised how this had happened just by sitting at home.
I had made stories up about how I had met him, but it was all just not adding up. I was made to block and delete his number, but I would still contact him when I’d go to university. It was then when he had called my mother’s number to ask for my hand in marriage, to which she rejected. I was already engaged, so rejecting who I was engaged to over someone I had only known for two years made no sense to her.
Also, coming from a family where caste mattered, this made it even harder, as caste cannot be changed. (We only marry within the same caste and sub-caste). My mum kindly told me that marrying him won’t last long and that I am just being stupid. She wanted me to focus on my studies and on holding on to the morals I had always believed in. Even when I confessed to my closest friends about him, they were also in shock; “he’s a freshie and you haven’t even met him, are you completely stupid” is what I had to hear. Even after telling them he is a great guy, they would find it hard to approve.
Moreover, I’d feel guilty betraying my parents after they had forgiven me, but I also couldn’t live without him. Though, continuing to speak to him whenever given the chance, would lead to huge arguments over specific things. I would feel that he had stopped caring and had drastically changed from being that kind, cute guy, to an agrresive, big headed guy. We’d make up, and then argue again, and yet again, my health would get affected, and I had/have lost a serious amount of weight. Yes, I was wrong to keep reminding him of his past, but was it right to lie that he never had a past and I was the first to have entered his life?
Though, it was only a few months ago, where I was shocked by what he had said to me. Something, I thought he’d never say.. I saw a complete different side to him, so different, I was in total shock. So, in retaliation, I said a lot back, (not stooping to the same level, of course) and that’s when we finished it with one another officially.
I had never cried so much in my life because I didn’t expect this from someone I had loved so much without even seeing him in person. I used to pray for things to get back to normal, but seeing that there was no point at all, told me otherwise. It took time to get over him, but with the help of Allah, I started to get better. I can’t believe how two people across the globe could have so much in common; he was the first guy to have entered my life, so, I guess, this is why it took so much time to start a new life again. All those memories over a device.. gosh, how I regret it so much! A freshie or a Brit, the lesson I have learnt in life is to never betray my parents again over someone I thought was completely worth it.
I used to miss him a lot, as I have countless Skype, Whatsapp, Instagram, Snapchat and Facebook memories with him, but now, I know how worthful life is without him. Nonetheless, I now know my worth!
May Allah keep him happy as well as us all.