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So, what exactly comes to your mind when you hear the word tragedy? Calamity? Misfortune? Or what?

Would you believe me when I tell you that I am a living tragedy? Right at this moment, my whole life is filming inside my brain and there’s just one question that keeps popping inside my head. Am I really meant for this life? Do I deserve to be in this world? Let’s swim 18 years of oceans of memory to August 15, 1999. A lady was admitted to the emergency ward. She was carrying a 7 months old baby inside her womb. She was bleeding with tears as doctors told her that the baby is losing her heartbeat, they can save either her or the baby.

After two days of observation, doctor carried out the delivery on 17 August 1999 call it a miracle or a curse, they both were saved. She was the fifth child of that family. Apparently, that baby was happy but she was empty inside out. A part of her always craved for the love and comfort she never got. She had a friend, family, and circle but was always hollow inside out as if there was an empty space in her chest and her heart was missing.

Every night, she used to close her eyes and escape to her fantasy world where she was able to hear the heartbeat she used to dance on this rhythm all night until she falls asleep. When she started growing up, she decided to fill this space. She stuffed these spaces with friendships. But these friendships never lasted long and every time it ended they scarred her soul. Apparently, her family her circle and even her friends knew nothing about it.

Until fall 2011. After the summer break, she rejoined her school. The very day at school, she walked into class, as usual, is the CR of the class she stood along the board and asked the class to sit in their respected seats. The whole of the class responded positively until she heard a rebellious voice saying “I am not going to sit “. That voice! That damn voice. I wish she would’ve known what that voice is going to bring into her life. After eleven years of emptiness and darkness, that melodious voice of that ivory skinned tall boy penetrated through her chest.

For the first time in her life, she felt her heart. She closed her eyes and opened it again to check whether she was in her fantasy world but it was real. After some rebellious fight, the new guy turned out to be her best friend. He was a football player with almost everyone in his circle he was like the cool dude every class have who is popular. But she always felt the same emptiness inside his eyes too. That guy seemed happy but deep down, inside his heart, was quiet.

After some time, that friendship banished and love took its place. She found her heart in him and he found his heartbeat in her. The poor girl, little did she know at an age when he was supposed to play with toys he decided to play with her soul. She saw his coldness and darkness but she was so happy to find her missing heart that she denied her foresight. She loved him with all her heart and mind. She absorbed his essence in her soul and in her body. She could feel him coming from miles away.

She lived in this comfort for 7 years. All these years, she never ran into her fantasy world she used to sleep like a baby every night. Once again, when she was complete, her tragic fate struck her. One cold night, he called and said, “I’m sorry I’m leaving”. That voice! That damn voice. It penetrated her chest again but this time it hollowed her. After promising her a happily ever after he left her in tormenting pain and never-ending agony.

This time, not only was her heart missing, her soul was missing too. For the lust of his love, she cornered herself from the reality. And now when she looks back, these 7 years she realized that the beat of his heart was not missing it was never present in the first place.

She lost her everything her soul, her heart even her fantasy world. She had no place to escape as if she is compelled to love him knowing all his darkness. She is clinging to one hope that maybe one day, he will return. She still believes that they are destined to meet because his heart is meant to be in her chest and her rhythm belongs to his heart. With the lion in her zodiac and fire in her hand, she still chose to water those dead roots of love.

At this very moment, that cursed girl rejected by nature at the time of birth, betrayed by friends, jilted by family and deceived by her love, is sitting right in front of her laptop and writing out 19 years of her life with just one question on her mind “Am I a curse or a miracle?”

“Dear another half, I am turning 19 this August, who knows whether or not I will live to see my next birthday. You have always asked why I loved you. I am gifting you my life story as your answer. it is a reminder of my love that I am waiting to hold my heart again. When you are done with this fabricated world and ready for something real, return to me. I will kiss your heart and give it a beat and we will dance on its rhythm all day all night, till the beat last”