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I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at the tender age of 14. You will have to accompany me towards my ‘memory lane’ to know the details of my enlightening journey.

I remember that I was on my summer vacations and my O’ levels were going to start when my school re-opened. Due to my father’s constant taunts about me being overweight, I went on an extreme diet when I was 14 (2009). The effects of malnutrition during a growing age triggered my depression and that is when a pediatrician sent me to a neuro-psychiatrist named Dr. Khalid Mehmood Mughal (Shaadman, Lahore). After I was labeled as ‘bipolar’, my life could never be the same again.

The Scars

How brave could a teenager at 14, be? After starting medications that were prescribed to me for a lifetime, I lost what was left; my self-esteem. Gradually, I lost my only best friend. I lost my stable grades (manic takes often required me to stay at home for months). I lost my family (family can be your greatest source of mental torture if you are a Pakistani). I lost myself (I isolated myself and started making random online friends; not real friends, of course, I was falling towards the evil side of the online world but was too naïve to realize that)

To sum it up, my social, personal, and educational life deteriorated. It took me 5 years to complete O’levels. However, those 5 years turned me into a stronger woman than those ideal ones you might see on T.V.

The Healing

My healing started from home. I had not given my O’levels exams because I felt too unprepared. The psychologists called ‘testophobia’, psychiatrists called it ‘depression’ and I called it a state of ‘being broken’. The symptoms of being broken were having faulty perceptions that you don’t have the potential to excel in life. I no longer had the will or motivation to even try to succeed in anything.

Well, my mom believed otherwise. She persuaded me to start O’levels all over by studying privately in Avalon Academy Valencia Town, Lahore. I was persuaded because I was in a state of ‘mania’. Psychiatrists believe that bipolar can either be depressed or be in a state of mania (extreme euphoria). I didn’t know that I would have to face all that happened to be in school all over again.

I have been bullied again, stigmatized as ‘retarded’ again, called a failure, again! However, I still managed to get 3As and 1B in the first 4 exams I gave in 2013. This increased my confidence only to fall again. My parents expected a little too much from me. They wanted more As. And congruently, I wanted to make them happy and grateful to have given birth to me. Since October 2013, I studied and studied but crashed before my exams. The confidential information that I have mental issues that were leaked in Avalon Academy, didn’t help. I lost friends and grades and soon myself again. I ended up getting a C, 2Es and a U.

Funny thing, the invigilators from the British Council were quick to break my spirits further. My mom had submitted a health certificate to them to make sure I was given extra care. The ‘extra care’ was sheer brutality. They whispered words like “There is always a problem child in the CIE room to bother us” and “Are you actually American? They give blue passports to literally anyone”. They scoffed at me because I couldn’t defend myself.

The Flight

Well, I managed to get myself into the A’levels program at Lahore Grammar School, Johar Town. The condition the principal had put forth was that I could only study humanities’ subjects. Science wasn’t an option. I will have to mention that in O’ levels, I studied in BSS JT. Not surprisingly, I found BSS students (those who were once my juniors) as my seniors in LGS JT. Take a hint of what would have happened now.

Rumors

Long story short, I fought the people and laughed at rumors. This time, I wasn’t going to break. I relied on my passion; poetry to give me strength. And with this strength, I managed to get good grades and take part in all kinds of extra-curricular activities. I entered into a singing completion and sang in front of 400 people. I entered MUN and was given the title of ‘favorite delegate’. I found a best friend and many other friends. I was recognized for having a talent of writing exquisite English poetry and was able to prove that being bipolar didn’t mean that I couldn’t do better in life than the rest.

Today

Today, I am 21 years old and I study at Kinnaird College. I chose Applied Psychology as a career so that I could give people in Pakistan more awareness about mental disorders and make sure that no patient would be given ‘wrong treatment’. Professor Dr. Riaz Bhatti stole 3 months of my life due to wrong medications and treatment. I have forgiven him though.

I am a content writer and earn 15k a month (a raise will be given next month). I focus on non-profit projects like my facebook group ‘Education for Growing Muslim Women’. My current project is an ‘Education system reform in Pakistan’ campaign backed up by an Educationalist who appears on TedTalks (Umair Quraishi).

I am focusing on becoming a successful poet and writer as well. And this passion has opened the opportunity to narrate my story. I am a Pakistani and bipolar, but I still managed to survive.