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“Saala Larkiyon Ki Terhan Ro Raha Hai!” – This Boy Talks About The Fear Of Toxic Muscularity Men Have!

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As my father watched the documentary end, he scoffed walking away: ‘Saala larkiyon ki tarhaan roo raha hai. (He’s crying like a girl)’. He commented about one of the male characters overwhelmed at the moment of his reunion with his family.

I paused and realized I couldn’t show him that I, too, had tears in my eyes. I don’t think I have ever seen my father cry beside the time when my grandmother passed away. Not even when I returned home from Afghanistan where I experienced physical abuse and incarceration. I’ve never seen him express emotions although I know he’s a great human being. He kept a roof over our heads, he is good to my mother, he sent us to good schools and the most honest man I know. My mother says that he is from that generation of men who are just incapable of expressing emotions.

Is it possible that how he is has shaped who I am today? I feel what and who I am today has a lot to do with how he was with me. I love him but I have never told him that, because I know he would not know how to respond. In fact, I would not how to even express it. I guess I have forgotten how to express love and compassion. Lately, these feelings have renewed, as I find myself around my family more and more.

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The other day, I was at my sisters’, it was sleepy-time for her two young teenage girls. They just came and hugged me good night. As I sat with my sister and my mother talking about how the world has changed since the last US elections, just a simple selfless and pure gesture by two-year-olds can be the solution we’re looking for. My nieces showed me a new world in that moment of sheer innocence and love. I doubt if I could ever explain that feeling. I can’t. All I can say is that hugs can be healing. I don’t remember the last time I just hugged it out with anyone. If a man were to hug it out with another a man, that would be ‘odd’, and with a woman, it would be a perversion.

A hug is a genuine an act of compassion. Sometimes all you need is a human touch, sometimes all you need is to not be by yourself. Sometimes all you need is to be surrounded by people who are real and not imaginary — people who you can touch and feel and embrace. In this fast-paced impassive digital world, it is next to impossible to find the right touch unless you already are lucky to cohabitate or perhaps live with family. Otherwise, we search for outlets, many of which are unhealthy and toxic.

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I have come across men and women who have transformed into different beings for lack of touch. They cannot even identify the damage they’ve undergone, and hence, they’re unable to acknowledge see the damage they cause to their loved ones around them. Can you even change a pattern without recognizing it as something that needs a compassionate overhaul?

I have seen myself becoming independent, rigid and emotionally stoic. I can’t accept compliments, I am not able to respond eloquently when I would come across one. Let us not forget: this post is just an exploration of what someone like myself, and millions of men and women out there go through on a day-to-day basis. I do not claim scholarship not to speak for anyone. I simply have been in similar conversations with folks around me, and I empathize with the struggle. I understand it all this feels strange. As a society, we are conditioned to make fun of and prey upon all expressions of emotions from men and women.

Source: Shape Scale

Many of us now risk isolation for lack of a simple touch. While western society has mastered the art of everything from nature to political correctness, we have yet to understand human emotion, love, and compassion. We glaze over the isolation and early symptoms of trauma which boys and girls exhibit, we expect time to heal everything. How difficult does it become with time to experience that intimacy and physical touch because of potential societal backlash? Conventions and traditions do not make it easy — we wonder if we can forge that bond with the next person. Would they … or could they trust our embrace because somehow (non) platonic touch is reserved only for people who are able to embrace societal constructs of marriage, common-law partnerships, or even open relationships?

So, what do we do? What do the rest of us do if we do not have the luxury of being in a relationship? If you can’t relate, you can’t be blamed. This is more of a challenge for men and women who return to empty houses at the end of the day. Perhaps reflecting back on the time when you were also in that position might help with grasping the concept. One of my friends hit the jackpot a decade ago — a wonderful wife, two kids, a couple of houses and a nice job. And all he talks about is how busy he is with work, and when he’s home, he can’t rest as his kids do not let him. I told him once, he does not recognize the blessings he has. Home is where his heaven is: kids, love, dinner time, greetings and a warm embrace. He can sit next to his loved ones, he can feel the warmth of another body next to his. All of this can and should serve as an antidote to a day of (hard) labor.

This leads me to believe men and women who are in relationships even feel this isolation. I know of a Muslim man and woman who were married for five years, unhappily. Both dear friends and both wonderful people who forgot to look at each other through compassion. After years of trauma, they realized they weren’t a good fit for each other. There was nothing wrong with either of them. They were both great human beings but they couldn’t work up the courage to be compassionate with each other. Their daily conversations just became about orthodoxy and religion, what was permissible and what was not.

My heart aches for both of their loss. I feel his inability to understand his wife was a symptom of larger underlying problems that were a result of his dysfunctional early life. Many of his actions were his own choices, and it was during the course of our conversation, that I realized how being at the receiving end of compassion might have thwarted the unrelenting masculine toxicity that was thrust upon him. He is now unable to acknowledge the damage he caused to his relationship. The truth is that they’re both genuinely kind people and I pray they heal well.

Source: Jamie Rea

These symptoms I witnessed pointed me to my own challenges. I never knew how to be in a family environment, so I searched tirelessly for relationships to potentially fill the void I’ve felt for the past 20 years. I’m happy to say, I’ve had a couple of relationships which opened my eyes to how being cared for changes a man. I was simply happier, more productive and a better force for good in the world when I have someone compassionate in my life. I had somebody who was able to help me unravel a day that didn’t go the way I planned. Someone understanding and compassionate, who was able to help me look at the world and smiled despite all shortcomings.

I have witnessed how a lack of compassion, touch, intimacy and healthy relationships can turn a boy into impassive, indifferent and sadly savage man. The change is slow but the direction is alarming. Isolation and passiveness become a hallmark, and still, it remains unnoticed. I take heart in the fact that I can recognize all this within me right now; but what if in a few weeks, few months, and few decisions down the lane I can’t distinguish anymore? What if the next time I read this paragraph, I laugh at my own ideas? I fear the metamorphosis, and I want to put this out there. The world may understand and recognize this one day, hopefully when it is not too late — that men need compassion as much as women do. Is there any doubt in my mind that men perpetrate more violence than women? No, I am no fool. I can see how the world is, and I understand that men are a more potent force for violence around the world.

In my recent work with multicultural demographics, I have noticed that isolation and loneliness are not exclusive to a race or a culture. These complex debilitating variables have plagued human connections across all communities. The toxic masculinity concepts span across almost all societal tiers, slowly rotting our relationships from within. It doesn’t matter whether you’re black, white, brown. Rich or poor. Both men and women must learn to love each other. We should also recognize our innate ability to treat each other with mutual respect, love, and appreciation. The healing happens automatically when there is compassion flowing between two people.

We’ve all seen how boys go quiet, demanding and angry as they start to enter their late adolescence age or enter manhood. I have seen this both in my niece and nephew, and it worries me. They start to talk less, and I have struggled to overcome our inability as a generation to allow our boys and girls express themselves readily about love, affection, compassion, and intimacy. The Muslim community is famous for not understanding any of this. We keep our children under so many layers that when they hit puberty, they absolutely have no idea what’s happening to them.

Source: Conquer & Win

I think it’s never too late to stop reinforcement of this toxic, angry, stoic masculinity on our boys. It is never too late to say, it is ok to cry, and to vulnerable, and to want to be with family or with the one you love. When we say ‘boys don’t cry’ — that is the first nail in the coffin of compassion. It creates a parallel reality where might is right. No crying is a strength. And all this amplifies this whole toxic concept of masculinity compounded by cultural norms. It breeds men who are ashamed of showing their emotions, and who feel being in touch with their feminine side is considered weak.

We need to give our children the space to choose the kind of relationships they want. Yes, we can continue to expect the cultural dynamic with men: they grow up sleepwalking through their lives thinking to be the eldest son, providing for the family, being strong, being there for everyone but himself is the true and the only calling. Ultimately, with all that, we raise a man who is unable to feel and articulate emotions. Therein lies the great loss — for the world is missing out on how wonderful compassionately brought up boys can be. If only boys could get the right help, support, intimacy, compassion and the right touch at the right time- they could grow up to be gentlemen.

None of what you read here is supposed to blame anyone. This is simply food for thought. I’m not going to be here forever but I may be wrong — hence putting this out there is a way of self-reflection. I would want to know how wrong I am to harbor these feelings. If this could help start a conversation, then it was all worth it. I sincerely believe compassion is the core human value. Our boys would one day become men. Our girls one day would become women. We owe it to them to learn to treat them with kindness and forgiveness.

Compassion should be for everyone, and not be frowned upon but celebrated on a day to day basis. It should be explained to our boys that compassion is a choice early one, and not a weakness. It is that one potent force in the world that allows us to understand the person next to us — who may be going through the toughest day of his/her life at that moment. I say it is never too late to explore compassion. Be compassionate to yourself, with your friends and family. And if you haven’t given a friend a hug in a while, I recommend you do that. Because you never know what battles they might be facing. Now is the time to be compassionate!

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