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Marriage is a beautiful relationship with Islam, so much that it is called as “completion of half of our deen” by our beloved Prophet (PBUH). It is indeed a beautiful gift from Allah to cherish entire our life; a lifetime commitment of having each other’s back, turning to each other in difficult times, blindly relying on each other, a commitment to be each other’s best companions and advisers, and a promise to love, trust and care no matter what. This extends from blessings in this world to the rewards even for hereafter.
By nature, marriage is a strong yet fragile relation; strong enough to last a lifetime and weak enough to break easily just by saying a few words unlike blood relations that doesn’t end even if we break all our ties. All their life, husband and wife try to make their home strong. They pour each and every possible asset that they have in this relationship but they might never reach a point where they could finally relax and think their bond is strong enough now and doesn’t need any more effort.
More or less, but this relationship requires effort, constant effort. It is the oxygen of this relation and a MUST thing from each side because the home/bond they make is like a spider’s web, fragile yet strong enough to hide our problems. It takes forever to build, but seconds to vanish. Marriage is about trying harder and never giving up.
A lot has been talked about the rights and responsibilities of a spouse in Islam for the successful marriage. But surprisingly, you will read very less about the privacy that must be maintained in this relationship. I have come across a few hadiths, Sunahs and Quranic Ayats that describes how sinful it is to not maintain the privacy of a relationship and how badly it could affect the relationship.
1. Privacy of Intimate moments
“Amongst the worst of people in Allah’s sight on the day of Qiyamah is that husband who indulges in privacy with his wife and then reveals her to others [Sahih Muslim]. The same applies to women”
There are many different categories of privacy in marriage and to share the stories of intimacy with your spouse with others, is the most extreme of those. This is where Allah has asked us to be extremely careful. It’s quite a common trend these days to narrate details of your marital privacy to your parents and friends. This includes the talk about your wedding night where both husband and wife narrates their sexual experience with their friends. Marriage is a sacred and secret thing in both moral and social terms. It is not okay to share your intimate moments with your friends to show them how much your spouse loves you or just for the sake of discussing. This, to be honest, is morally indecent and against your spouse’s dignity.
2. Privacy of Personal matter
This even includes your spouse’s fertility issues which he would not like his wife to share even with her parents (if he is nice with you overall, of course, it is something not in his hands). This also includes letting your mother know about periods details of your wife without her consent. This is the pardah that Allah (SWT) has made for opposite genders, regardless how close a son and a mother is; the respect of this relationship should strongly be maintained and COME ON, a mother and son cannot talk about periods of his wife. These things should not be asked at first but if asked purposely, should be asked with the person in question. Even then he/she is not obliged to answer.
No one has the right to know the details of your personal life (you and your husband), and it is not permissible for your spouse to tell anyone of any private or intimate matters between the two of you even to your parents or friends. I repeat and I am really shouting, “NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ASK YOU THE DETAILS OF YOUR PERSONAL LIFE”. Even if your spouse is pregnant or not, no one has the right to know if you don’t want to disclose it or if you are using any contraception because apparently, the whole world is worried why isn’t there any good news.
Please don’t perceive that our religion doesn’t like to publically express your love for your spouse. Islam really urges husband and wife to have the most loving relationship. Our Prophet (PBUH) himself never hesitated to publically display affection for his wives and Allah (SWT) encourages it. There are many real examples from His life that even today’s Bestsellers books for successful married life don’t have.
“Indeed, I was nourished by her (Khadija’s) love” (Sahih Muslim)
I will roughly translate an incident that I heard in Maulana Tariq Jameel’s lecture.
“A man came to Prophet (PBUH) and asked, O Prophet of Allah whom do you love the most? He (PBUH) replied: Ayesha. That man asked again, whom do you love the most among the men? He (PBUH) replied: Abuha (Her father – Abu Bakr RA)”
While showing affection for your spouse, one must keep the evil eye thing that does exist. Not everyone on your friends’ list and biological relation will be happy to see your successful marriage life. There is a very clear line that differentiates affection that Islam encourages to show even in public and the intimate moments and private detail of your relationship that should not be revealed out to anyone even to your biological relations.
They (your wives) are your garment and you are a garment for them” (Quran 2:187)
3. Each other’s shield
Allah (SWT) has asked husbands and wife to live with love and be each other’s garments. Allah (SWT) himself has sent upon them such a greater security. The vital purpose of the garment is to cover private parts and to protect the body from harm. So, they should return to each other whenever they need moral, financial or emotional support and find shelter in each other. Over time, a spouse becomes that supporting mechanism which one clings during life storms just like a garment that protects the body from outside danger. We see how a garment covers the body and there is nothing in between the body and garment. Just like this, the husband and wife should be close and intimate so that there are no secrets between them.
4. Privacy of ongoings at home
Privacy in a marriage doesn’t only discourage one to display intimacy but it also demands to be careful about keeping private many other affairs like your husbands salary, the savings you have, the investments you have made for your future, the amount of money you spend on travelling/on your children and their education, your family matter, your fights on petty issues (no I am not saying to never involve elders, depends upon the criticality of conflicts), your daily arguments, your spouse’s habits that you don’t like (Yes, it is back biting) and every other thing you both have decided to keep private or things you know your spouse would not want anyone to know about. You must take extra care to do not air the filthy laundry after fights and arguments instead share your concerns with the person in question, YOUR OWN SPOUSE. By not keeping private affairs as private, you’ll certainly lose respect and trust for each other and it is the hardest thing to gain again, BELEIVE ME.
5. Privacy of secrets
Husband and wife should never reveal their secrets and the faults that Allah has kept hidden to anyone including your parents, best friends or siblings. The confidences shared should be taken with extra care. A married couple instead should protect each other behind their back from mortification, ridicule and accuse even if it’s coming from a well-wishing biological relative.
There should be an unbreakable agreement of privacy in marriage only then, can a relationship be fully flourished. The couples who share details of their married life with others; from any type of subject related to intimacy to every tiny detail of their marriage life will eventually lose the best part of their relationship; TRUST.
The best thing that could ever happen in your life is indeed a happy marriage. May we all be blessed with a happy and successful marriage.