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In October 2014, I got married and moved to a new city. It’s an understatement to say I was overwhelmed. When I thought I was going absolutely mad, I finally ended up putting my feelings to paper. This is one of the darkest pieces I’ve written.
The walls are closing in on me, my cute little studio gets teeth during the day and it feels like I have nowhere to go, I’m down to questioning everything, even my likes and dislikes. Do I like delicious food? Not here. Do I like the raging and calming waves? Not here. Suddenly out of what I knew about myself, none of the adjectives apply. All the people around me are strangers, everything around me is new.
My love for travelling seems so ironic right now, the new sceneries, experiences, photography. Things I loved, like meeting new people, experiencing new cultures, trying new food, sleeping on new pillows and using new toothbrushes. Maybe I liked it because I knew it was temporary, knew I will go back home once this is over. Now when I am around the new things, all of the above, I have lost myself.
I find my thoughts and actions to be new to me too. I don’t have an identity here, the old one that I had, that told me what I was supposed to be doing at all times, it defined my existence and told my mind how to react and respond to everything.
How does one live without their identity? Do they start from scratch? What is my role? What does a wife really do? Am I the protector here? I don’t even know this place. What is happening here? Am I a right campaigner or not? How do people go on living like this? Why is nothing the same? What is the constant day in and day out?
Even my mind is not on my side, it keeps throwing new things. It is like an engine constantly generating negative thoughts, wants to keep itself challenged. Not knowing there are enough challenges already. What I need is the comfort and familiarity. How does one know who you are anymore, what if you decide enough is enough?
What will I do when I decide that it is enough? Hah, don’t even have the answer to that. So, I’m not even decisive anymore? So many questions, on top of that so many answers to those questions, which one to pick? There is so much confusion. What is the purpose of it? What is it that I do here? Where is my path? Where did the black and white go? I see only grey.
Gosh, how does everyone go through this? Then they say, “oh there really is a name for what I went through?” Why didn’t you talk about it then? If you really went through it? How did you get out of it? Or, are you still there?
This emptiness and loss of identity? The abyss, a black hole, a dark place that sucks you into it. Who can really answer my questions? Why isn’t the answer to my questions with me anymore?”
Once I had put my thoughts on paper, I knew something was majorly wrong. I could not be the only one going through this. I started my research and found that there is a term for what I was going through.
What Is Postnuptial Depression?
It was depression. If it occurs after marriage, it has a couple of names; Post Nuptial Depression:, Post Wedding Blues, or Post Marital Depression. Some basic facts about post nuptial depression are given below:
- One out of ten women are impacted by post nuptial depression
- Grooms and the couple’s families are also affected by it
- 10% of USA’s couple seek to counsel because of post nuptial depression
Since post nuptial depression begins after marriage the symptoms are also associated with life after your wedding. Most common symptoms of post nuptial depression are:
- Overwhelming loss of identity and feelings of isolation, sadness and grief leading to crying episodes
- Post nuptial depression is not just a mental manifestation, it has physical effects too. After you are over the adrenaline rush during the days leading up to the wedding, you might get hit with seasonal colds and flu (it’s not always the evil eye, yes I’m talking to you mommies)
- Feeling lazy to the extent of not being able to get out of bed every morning and doing simple things like buttoning your shirt
- Suddenly having numerous responsibilities feels like you are crushed under their weight
What can you do to overcome the feeling of being depressed?
- Don’t dwell on your feelings too much, know that you are not alone, and definitely not going mad
- Since most women go through it – alert your husband about being a blue bride
- Find a new hobby immediately – Getting fit, planning weekly date nights, framing wedding pictures, joining a course, finding a job
- Plan for your future with your husband, don’t just stop at planning for the wedding
A lot of times our Pakistani brides are taught that having a baby especially if you are touching 30s is good for your marriage. Please don’t believe that. Keep in mind that you need to have an understanding and learn how to live together with your husband or in-laws before you start adding on more responsibilities like that of taking care of a new tiny human baby.
Post nuptial depression is a period which turns you into a baby and you will need care from your husband and in-laws before you can mentally start preparing or trying to conceive.
If you search for post nuptial depression in Pakistan, it is nowhere on Google. Post-natal depression is now doing rounds, which is a blessing. Facebook Groups like Soul Sisters are a huge help for women going through depression after marriage since it reduces the feeling of isolation for them and gives them ears to share their thoughts with.
There is also a workshop by Laura Doyle called Surrendered Wife Empowered Women which is brilliant. The goal of the workshop is to bring the global divorce rate down to zero. It teaches wives to not just be a wife. Usually, this would not be too good an indication for husbands, but this workshop is different.
It gives tips to reduce arguments and use a different language altogether to bridge the communication gap that might exist in some marriages. Since I took this course, I’ve been happier, less guilty for the things I don’t do but I am ‘supposed to’ and I have more time to do things I like. (Readers alert: First, Kill All The Marriage Counsellors.)
People in my mother’s age bracket are surprised that there is a term for what they went through. Please don’t let our younger girls go through this without support groups that can help them deal with depression.
I have made it my mission in life to speak about this wherever I go. I whisper to new brides to get busy planning your life not only your wedding day. I hope and pray people start talking about this. I would urge researchers to look into this, find stats, share insights and possible solutions and take this purpose on.
