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Sitting in a dimly lit room, I could not help but let my mind wander over the happenings of past. There was a flood of memories each wanting to be acknowledged first. They keep hitting the edge of my brain like waves of an ocean; wave after wave after wave. I finally settled on one; vivid but implacable.

A girl in her teens sneaked into a room, her lips contoured into a sheepish smile. She slowly made her way towards a bed where a kid in his early teens laid asleep. Dumping the cold water she had brought with her onto the sleeping boy, she ran out of the room. The boy who had jumped out of the bed was now chasing his sister crazily yearning for revenge.

“I am definitely going to complain to papa this time.” He said panting after he failed to catch her. “As if I am going to let him believe you.” she struck out her tongue at him. I smiled absent-mindedly. Api acted really immature for a girl who offered her prize-money when I demanded a bicycle. I still remember the day as clear as the first drop of rain that pours down.

“But papa, all of my friends are going for this bicycle race. They would make fun of me if I don’t go” he said pleading for the umpteenth time. “How many times am I supposed to repeat myself? I told you I can’t manage to buy you a bicycle this month” his face fell when he saw there was no hope of him getting one this month. Choking back tears, he ran to his room.

“You can take this, papa will repay me next month.” he looked up to see his sister offering a packet of money, he, very well recognized as it was the same one given to her as a prize for scoring 1st position in debate competition.

I remember how my eyes had lit up and how I had hugged her secretly thanking God for making me her brother. This was not the only memory that kept haunting me. There were endless of them hovering over me like ghosts. My mind had now become a cemetery; a haunted house nurturing the ghosts of past. It is weird how they say I am losing my mind slowly yet I can remember everything, every detail and every event as it happened. I remember the fateful day that landed me in this position but I feel biased saying this as only I am to be blamed for this darkness I let myself into.

“BUT HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?” Abbu roared with rage evident in his eyes. He never believed in raising his voice in front of children but this man had not only raised his voice a great deal but had also shattered a lot of things into pieces yet he seemed unfazed by all of that because of a certain bigger issue at hand.

“One of the girls in the get-together secretly made a video and uploaded….. Uploaded it”, Ammi tried to form a full sentence between her hiccups. “But what was the need to do such vulgar things which you are afraid to accept publically.” He suddenly seemed older than his age. “She just….. enjoyed….. with her friends.” No matter how hard tried it was still impossible to make out a sentence out of her shushed whispers.

Everything took a turn after that day. The once happy family I grew in was lost for no one to find; ever. Api, who could not sit quietly for one minute forgot to talk. She not only stopped talking but also stopped going outside but they all failed to notice it wasn’t the only Api who had to be kept away from the negativities of this world.

“Isn’t he the same boy whose sister had her video leaked on the internet?”. “I can’t stop replaying that video. How come we never saw her around?”

These remarks slowly grew more and more aggressive. “How can you sleep at night knowing people out there are ogling at your sister?”. “He is as shameless as his sister.”. “I would have killed her if she were my sister.”

I am still surprised how one video; one click had the power to cause the destruction of a family. Perhaps, it was never about the video, it was about a new thing people had to gossip about. A new person they could defame to help their insecurities. It’s funny how they run to mosques for second chance yet forget to give one to people around them.

It was easy to comment SHAMELESS VIDEO but no one asked why have you seen it if it was so against your morals? My innocence was snatched and my body was instead filled with a feeling as foreign to me as water to fire. Criminals deserved to be punished; she deserved to be punished. I took calculated steps towards her room. I peeked inside to see her sitting by the window staring at nothing in particular. I halted in my steps upon seeing her emotions inside me fought to take control.

She turned towards me as she felt someone’s presence. The lack of life her eyes depicted, still haunt me in my dreams but surprisingly, I didn’t flinch that day. Rage had won the fight, my body shook with uncontrollable rage as I rose the gun I stole from my father’s drawer to her head. How had I failed to notice that she didn’t scream but instead smiled knowingly? How was I able to push the trigger seeing she had closed her eyes way before the bullet could make contact with her body? Why do I feel like not the bullet but something else killed her?

She was wrong; she had tarnished the honor of our family. Of course, I had to do it. I am a respectable man after all. I would be at peace if she left me alone.

“I want you to get everything in life that you wish for”, “You can take my money”, “Ammi he isn’t giving me TV remote.”, “I know you will always protect me from everything.”, “Brothers are the pride of sisters.”

I have asked them too many times to tell her to stop but nobody listens. How do I explain to them I have nothing to say when she asks me, “Is the world pious now? Why haven’t I killed every eye who viewed it? Every finger which shared it? But most importantly, when she asks, “Ab to tum ghairat-mand ho na? Ab to jannat mile gi na tumhen?”